I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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