Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
