i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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