From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
