you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
