Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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