my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's never too late to be topless.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
