they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
