it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
