Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
