3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
