I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
