why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
