Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
