my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
