Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
