two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
