My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
