I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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