dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
