I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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