I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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