It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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