dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am mentally ready for anal.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
