I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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