My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
