Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
