your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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