Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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