Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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