A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
