I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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