I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
