I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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