It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
