Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
