i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
