I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
