She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
