Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
