Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
