I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
