Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
