Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
