i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
