I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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