The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
