you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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