Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
