I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
