i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
