Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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